Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tanaqui's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
12:20 am	So I finally did it. I've been obsessing about it for so long, probably since I was 14 or 15 and I first thought that hey, sex is something that I could be having. Other people are. Why not me? It could be me. When I was 14, I was already having orgasms on a daily basis. I liked them quite a lot. I would lay face down on the floor outside the door to my bedroom, so no one could possibly walk in on me. I started really young, before I even knew what sex was. I would think about the things written in my mother's Redbooks, or when I was really young, nothing at all, just the feeling of steady pressure, my own fingers. I can still smell the carpet in my nose and feel the friction on my cheek, even to this day. So that was where it started, I guess. But sometimes I wanted more. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that it was a waste, not using any of this flesh for what it was designed for. In a dirty old hotel room in Taiwan, I touched myself and saw that I could see my body in a mirror on the wall. I thought about someone else watching me and New Year's Eve fireworks exploded outside. It was 2008, I was alone, I was 23 years old and I was fed up with being a virgin. When I kissed someone for the first time, I only felt a strange sense of awkwardness. I felt disconnected from the whole situation. What was I supposed to do with my hands, and my tongue, and my lips? What was the point of this whole thing? Why do we put our mouths on each other like this? I didn't understand it, and I was afraid I wouldn't understand sex either. He dumped me before we did anything more than make out. It was shortly before Christmas, but I didn't really mind. I was glad he had had the initiative to dump me, even if he'd not had the initiative to do anything else. I had wanted to have sex with him. He had beautiful shoulders and long eyelashes. The problem was that he didn't seem to want me all that much. It was, I decided, all for the best. Surely it would get easier after this. This was just the practice match. But it didn't seem to. I was alone in Tokyo and suddenly afraid of being alone. I had no connections. I knew almost no one. What was I doing in a huge city all alone? I met this guy on a dating website. He liked breasts. I have nice breasts. It seemed like a good match. When I talked to him, I felt amazed by how alike we were. We were different too, but he felt like a real person to me. So few people seem fully real to me. I'm not real to them either. I put on my teacher voice, or my sweet-faced mask of social nicety. It's not that I was myself with him. I still don't know what myself is. But I felt like something else when I talked to him. I tend to change my personality depending on who I am around. Maybe it's why I don't do well in large groups of people. I'm never quite sure what to say. But around him, I felt like someone completely different. Like he had discovered a new mask that I never realized I had. He almost always understood what I meant. I told him that I had been virtually friendless throughout my teenage years. That I dropped out of high school. That I was a virgin. I never told people those things. It was unthinkable. They were in a different compartment of my mind than the new proper upright me. And yet somehow he made me able to say them, made me able to reflect back myself against the shine of his own brutal honesty. We kissed in a karaoke room at 5 AM. I was tired and drunk but he wanted me. I knew he wanted me. It excited me. I wanted him too. He touched me on a bridge in Tokyo, pressed against the railing, his hands in my hair, and I knew this was it. I felt ridiculously, breathlessly turned on. I could do it. I could let him inside me. I could do this thing. It wasn't impossible. We made out like teenagers on the couch in the lounge of my guesthouse. I kissed him and he put his hands down my pants. He put his mouth on my breasts. I felt impossibly strange, distant, and dazed. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was amazed. I thought I had only been a little bit turned on, but my body seemed to know what was going on better than my brain. I kept giggling at the strangeness of it all and he kept asking me why. I couldn't explain. He talks almost constantly about anything that passes his brain. Sometimes he just repeats himself. He can't seem to stop himself. But about 50% of what he says is funny and the rest is usually pretty interesting. I feel a strange tenderness for him and his impossible brain. I am amazed that he exists in the same world that I do. It seems so unlikely. I've never met anyone like him before. I told him I was a virgin, via the Internet. It was almost impossible. I didn't think I could actually type the words. Would I ever have been able to say it out loud? He is not a comforting person. But maybe I didn't want comfort. I wanted it to be over. So I went with him to a love hotel. It was almost comically awkward. We walked around for a good half hour, looking for a decent place. The room was small and unspectacular, but it did have a nice TV. I would never have been able to deal with the strangeness of it even a year ago, but now I just smiled at him and somehow it worked out. I was going to a love hotel for the specific purpose of losing my virginity. It was OK. I was going to be OK. We watched Japanese TV and I held his hand. He put his fingers in my hair. I drank a cocktail. I thought maybe it would make me less likely to die of terror or throw up on him. It seemed to do the trick. We started kissing and I liked it more this time. We had sex and it was good. I liked it. When I rolled off him, my first words were "Thank God, that started feeling good." Probably not what every man wants to hear afterwards, but still. I was relieved. I had wondered if I was actually a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with that, but finding out at age 24 that you've been fooling yourself your entire life would be a bit of a downer. I'm glad I wasn't. So yes, I liked it. I liked making someone else feel good. There was a part of me for a long time that didn't honestly believe that anyone could ever really be attracted to me or my strange body. Even realizing that I liked girls too and that I would probably be attracted to myself—that I was attracted to girls who had similar body types—even that didn't change my basic feelings of low self esteem. That this guy actually wanted me—it was like a gift. It was a pretty great feeling. That's why the next part was so unpleasant, I guess. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 21st, 2004
5:50 pm	EEEEE! It's Ted Leo!!!! Yeah, his new cd is out and it OWNS. Me and Mia -- A great song in the traditional Ted Leo mode, starts out low, turns into a great full-on rock song. I have no idea what it's about, though. It has the great wordplay that's so typical of the man -- "It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana..." I like it. It's not quite as catchy as The Ballad of the SinEaters or Rude Boys, but it's still pretty great, and the lyrics are really clever, without veering off into the ridiculous wordplay that Hearts of Oak was occasionally guilty of. Ted's voice is even better these days. The Angels' Share -- It has the most AWESOME driving beat I've heard in quite a while. The riff is phat. Seriously. The man can write a hook like a motherfucker, and he knows what to do with it. do do do dodo do do... Who knows what it's about? In general, it's clearly about the current political situation (as most of the songs on this album are, in some way) but I don't really care--the lyrics are as beautiful--if mystifying--as I've come to expect from Ted. The One Who Got Us Out -- I'm not really so much a fan of this song. It starts out good, but is ruined to a certain extent by a drum beat that sounds like Ted went back in a time machine to the hardcore of his youth. The beat isn't really steady throughout the whole thing, unforunately. When the drum backs the fuck off in the verses and Ted's voice takes over, things sound a LOT better, but there's too much extraneous drumming/guitaring going on in the background in the chorus. There's also a kick-ass little riff there, but unfortunately it's not expanded on. A patchy song over all. The lyrics make me giggle though--Teddy gets really pissed off here: "Take it to the floor of Congress/Look into the core of rotten/Turn into the one who got us out." Still, Ted never really loses his ear for a good song, and this shows here. Counting Down the Hours -- This may be my very favorite song on this album. It's amazing and bone-chillingly good. It's reminiscent of one of his more acoustic songs, with an INCREDIBLE acoustic beginning that turns into this rocking vaguely Irish-flavored rock-out session. Ted's voice is like an instrument--it just sounds so RIGHT. It deals with the POW scandal, but in a fairly vague way. The little riffs Ted goes into in the chorus are awesome--on and on and deedle deedle doo... It sounds great. Little Dawn -- also a stand out song. It has an urgent, driving riff and Ted's voice is really, really good on this song too. I honestly think it's his great strength. LD's got an amazingly catch sing-along melody "And if you want to make it right/well you might have to burn the candle/and if you want to keep it tight/well you might have to learn to handle..." Ted has a PERFECT ear for how to tackle these lines--it's genuinely compelling. The man is a vocal genius. The haunting ending--a prolonged repetition of a softly-spoken "it's all right/it's all right" is great, though I think it goes on a bit too long maybe. It's one of his few missteps, but I think it's debatable. The other instruments do kick in eventually to keep things interesting, but it could probably have been shortened a bit and made a greater impact. Still, overall a great song. Heart Problems -- one of Ted's most quirky songs, this rails against the health system in America. It's fast, hard, and only slows down briefly before kickin' up into a great catchy rock song. "But when you can't afford a broken nose/how can you afford to fight?" It includes a long list of medicines, though they don't appear to be part of the song. "They tell you crime doesn't pay/but they make us pay to be victimized"... who else but Ted Leo (who as a self-employed musician has to deal with this problem every day) would write this song? It's a genuine problem, even if it's not the traditional social ill that punk bands write about. If the HMO debate was always this catchy, everyone would be talking about it... Criminal Piece -- A decent, catchy song, although not one of the standouts. The echo effect he uses occasionally gives it an odd, almost 80s feel--Ted is never, ever boring. Personally, I could listen to his voice no matter what he's saying... The lyrics probably have fewer syllables/word than any of the other songs he's written in the last decade or so, God bless him. They're interesting--though confusing of course. Better Lead Than Dead -- An interesting song. He overreaches here with his falsetto, I think--it almost crosses the line into sounding silly. I like the intense, low-key beginning, though. Although his falsetto sounds odd, it's undeniably catchy when he sings "but I know gold is just a trick of the light/and lead is light as a feather/so leave me where the kids are alright/and we will all go down together." Nice guitar solo there too, Mr. Leo. The central riff for the verses is pretty kick ass too. I don't know why he feels the need to layer his voice here, again--it was also a problem in Hearts of Oak, I think. It's not terrible here, but unnecessary in my opinion. His voice is good enough on his own--we defintely don't need 2 of him. Really, Ted! I mean it. Shake the Sheets -- This song--the titular one--didn't catch my notice at first. The loud/soft/loud/soft format is very retro, and sounds pretty great here, but the first half of the song isn't so great. When Ted really starts singing he sounds amazing, as usual. Very nice guitarwork. Lyric-wise, he really has it in for the current gov't here: 'I want to sweep the halls of Arrogance/sweep the walls of the excrement of these baboons.' Yeah, I can agree with that Ted, but did it need to be expressed quite that way? I think it does show the genuine anger here, but it's also a little juvenile. Very Anti-Flag. (Though I'm not sure they know all those big words.) I like some of his other lyrics--it's basically a call to action, but much more realistic than the usual punk kind. "sometimes it's gonna hurt/sometimes you're gonna deserve it/but if you hold on to what you've got/I know you'll keep it steady." Bleeding Powers -- I have to admit I like the acoustic version much better. It has a lot more power that way, IMO. The drums in particular just take away from the awesome hook that Ted had going in the chorus ("the road leads me somewhere, but it's not yet to your door.") And it doesn't do much for the guitar solo, either, which is fully awesome enough to be given some quiet from the drums, please. Still, the great central hook of this song stands out, and Ted's voice rings rich & true. I really like the lyrics, I have to say. Though again, no idea what it's about... Walking to Do -- The final song on this album, it's a great way to end this album. It's an hopelessly upbeat song that never quite passes into the sacharine. The titular line "there's a whole lot of walking to do" is great--it has an almost folksy feel, but with a good old rock beat behind it--something that's uniquely Ted Leo. The sing-along chorus at the end of the song is awesome. And when he sings "I'll believe we'll be fine," it's almost impossible not to believe him. Something this good can't be wrong. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
2:36 pm	Man, I am so fucking stressed out. I don't remember this much reading in community college. I know I'm just being lazy, cuz I only had ONE class today, but damnit, I don't want to do all this fucking reading. And am I supposed to take notes on it? Argh. I can't be bothered! AND I have not just one but two essays to write this week. One is due on Thursday; the other on Friday. Both are going to be huge pains in my poor ass--one is 2 pages doublespaced and the other is a few paragraphs, but ARGH. Fuckers. I wonder if some of those old films are no longer under copyright protection? That's one way I could get a hold of them... Hmm. Yeah, life pretty much sucks right now. I'm on the downturn again, depression is running high. Woohooo. At least I'm keeping busy now--that's the most important thing. Well, I actually had a discussion with another human being today in class, a guy named Alex who's in my ANTH class. He seems like a nice guy. I don't want to come off as too desperate because OMG I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS!! Well, there's Sarah of course! but I need to meet some more people. And Alex seems like a nice guy so hopefully I'll be able to talk to him a bit more later. He's a junior too, and an anthropology major from Seattle. Now I just need to remember his name... I'm disturbingly bad at that. God damn, the construction is annoying. Just thought I should share. Need to decide whether or not I'm going to go see Mr. Moore next Mon. I can probably get there on time, but not sure... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
7:16 pm	Once, twice, thrice Three days into the first semester. First things first: the parking Situation. It ain't pretty. It's down-right ugly, in fact. Admittedly, it's only three days into the semester, but every single morning it's been absolute hell. Slightly better on Tuesday, yeah, but I thought it'd have calmed down by now--no such luck. It was slightly better today, but not by all that much. I hate having to drive around like a vulture just to find a damn parking space in the back parking lot--last year, they were plentiful. Now, they're nearly nonsexistent! I got there 10 minutes early today, and I was still a few minutes late. I'm going to have to start leaving even earlier than 10 AM. My classes: Spanish 201: It's being taught by the same wonderful lady who also taught me in Spanish 101, 102 and 103--Susanna. History 112: Old guy with freaky pointed eyebrows who has an annoying tendancy to take... long... pauses... while he thinks. But when he finally gets around to talking, he does a pretty good job. Not hugely boring or anything, and the class is only 50 minutes long, so it definitely shouldn't be unbearable. Biology 102: Being taught by an extremely enthusiastic young man. I think he's pretty fresh out of college. Honestly, I thought he was going to break into song right up there in front of God and everyone when he was lecturing. He thinks everything is so exciting! In particular, I had lab today. Actually had a discussion with another human being, namely A, who was in my Bio 101 class as well. He has a gorgeous smile. We talked about music. English 104: Had him for Creative Writing online a while ago. He seems nice. Shouldn't be anything too difficult. Maybe I'll write more later. Right now, I'm tired and have a cold. Damn cold. Nose running and sore throat--the whole caboodle. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 28th, 2003
10:01 am	My last day of summer vacation. Yep, today's the last day. Had I stuck to a normal schedule, this would have been the last summer of my true school years (not counting college, of course.) Somehow that makes it slightly more profound. I can remember being in grade school and thinking about how many years I had until I was out of school. It seemed like an eternity. It seemed I'd never, ever be done with it. But I am. And now I stand on the cusp of adulthood. [dramatic pause] I think I'll have another cookie. Anyways, my classes: I have four. Biology 102, history 112, English 104, and Spanish 201. Exciting, no? After next semester I'll have completed my AA degree and come close to completing all my classes for U of O. Went to the drive-thru yesterday and saw a double-feature of "Underworld" and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (which I didn't mind seeing again.) Underworld was far from brilliant, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Very stylish, all dark and Euro-trashy. Also extremely gory. Couldn't we have had a little sex to go with that? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
10:46 am	Something Awful I’d almost forgotten how goddamn funny Something Awful is. Offensive and not very PC too at times too, of course, but I laughed so hard my stomach hurt more than a few times. Particularly amusing are the various reviews—for television, games, and of course—the ROM Pit. I think SA has lost some of its luster recently, but back in the day there was no one funnier than them. I got hooked on them through Jeff K. (hilarious satire, sadly not updated anymore) when one of my old school internet friends sent me a link. I think it was Acidsoul. ACidSoUL or however you spelled your name, where are you? He quit Nexus a long time ago. He and his pretty pretty flameblade. Anyways. Particularly amusing in retrospect is their review of [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I’d almost forgotten how goddamn funny <A HREF=”http://www.somethingawful.com”>Something Awful</a> is. Offensive and not very PC too at times too, of course, but I laughed so hard my stomach hurt more than a few times. Particularly amusing are the various reviews—for television, games, and of course—the ROM Pit. I think SA has lost some of its luster recently, but back in the day there was <b>no one</b> funnier than them. I got hooked on them through Jeff K. (hilarious satire, sadly not updated anymore) when one of my old school internet friends sent me a link. I think it was Acidsoul. ACidSoUL or however you spelled your name, where are you? He quit Nexus a long time ago. He and his pretty pretty flameblade. Anyways. Particularly amusing in retrospect is their review of <A HREF=” http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=29”>Gundam Wing: Endless Duel.</A> <BLOCKQUOTE>The most homoerotic cartoon on television is now a seizure-inducing fighting game for your SNES. Will it make you hit on other boys in gym class? No, but it'll probably make you bump up against them a lot as you're staggering around with blackened pits where your eyes used to be. With all the scantily-clad prettyboys and flashing orange lights, you won't know whether you're shuddering in horror or spastically convulsing. You'll probably want to have an autoinjector full of thorazine handy while you're playing this.</BLOCKQUOTE> The reviewer knows nothing about Gundam Wing--the disturbing thing is, ever since I started reading a little slash, I <i>do</i>. I was actually able to figure out who all these people are. This makes it particularly amusing. One caption: <BLOCKQUOTE>IRON EUNUCH WILL USING MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM "Death Scythe" TO DEFEATS EVIL MECHA HAT MAN IN MOBILE SUIT "Tall Geese" FOR GREAT JUSTICE. Tall Geese? Will someone please tell me what the fuck kind of name "Tall Geese" is for a robot suit?</BLOCKQUOTE> I also recieved my cds from Amazon today. So far I’ve listened the entirety of “...forget the static past” by the Spotlight Syndicate, and some of “Disconnect” by Iris. Iris reminds me of Savage Garden, if they were more mature song-writers and didn’t suck. Livejournal is apparently down for the count, so I’m writing this on WordPad and shall transfer it later. NOTE: Livejournal was not actually down; my computer just went all wonky. I hate it when it does that. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 20th, 2003
3:24 pm	Linkity link Rather fascinating article about homosexuality and transgenderism in Japanese culture: http://wwwsshe.murdoch.edu.au/intersections/issue3/mclelland2.htm One interesting comment: "Various commentators have, then, argued that the bishoonen are not really 'men' but fantastic, androgynous creatures created by Japanese women as an expression of dissatisfaction with current gender stereotypes and the 'narrow life paths' which restrict women in the real world." and-- "Gay men tend not to identify with the beautiful youths in women's manga and feel that these figures are figments of women's imaginations. One gay man interviewed in Yajima Masami's collection of gay life stories says that these images had a negative effect upon him when he encountered them in high-school. He got the impression from women's comics that 'being gay meant being a smart and beautiful member of the elite' and that homosexuals 'must be cute and pretty.' As he was neither cute nor beautiful, he worried 'what will become of me?'" (Comment on this)
Friday, September 19th, 2003
11:34 pm	I fought the shot and the shot won. It actually hurt less than I thought it would. In fact, the most painful thing about the whole ordeal was the wait. Fifty-some minutes! We didn't find out til too late, but it took so long because they didn't have my doctor's records. They were under the misapprehension that I had no shots at all, while I have actually had all the standard ones--polio, measles, etc. In the end, I got two shots--one in each arm. Hepatitis B and a typhoid shot, which aches. Not too bad, though. I ended up entertaining myself by reading the Hep B literature. According to the sheet the nice lady at the desk gave me, I'm not actually at risk for HBV: had sex with multiple partners in 6 months? nope. man having sex with other men? nope. health care worker? nope. [various conditions that sound fairly unpleasant]? nope. living with someone who has some form of the disease in question? nope. But I had to get the shot because I'm going off to college and some of them require it. Bummer. Man, I could only wish I fit either of the first two risk factors. (Comment on this)
11:59 am	Shot Yes indeed. I have to get a immunization shot today--for hepatitis. Not my idea of fun. I don't have a needle phobia or anything, but still, getting poked in the arm is never a fun time. I haven't had any forever, and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Hopefully I can con my dad into taking me out for lunch since I have to suffer through this. Wah. Computer #2 almost bit the dust yesterday! (I'm writing on computer #1.) It froze up when I was playing Septerra Core and when I restarted it, I got an error message saying "Primary hard disk failure." Not good. But eventually, it went away for some reason. My dad thinks the hard drive may be having some problems since it's making weird noises; he backed up the whole C drive onto our external hard drive, so if it does go kaput we'll have an easy way to restore it. The season premier of Survivor was yesterday. My family's obsessed with it, so I have also been roped into the MADNESS! So far, I like Ryan S. (he was so cute with his glasses! and he's a computer geek who writes electronic/punk music!), Hagrid (not his real name, but everyone knows exactly who I mean), and Sandra (her comment about willies cracked me up, and she seems very sensible.) I don't like Andrew (don't be dissin' my Ryan, you dickless wonder), and Nicole (bitch. the hell you try to kick out Tijuana, you idiot? hate because she's so STUPID, but happily she bit the big one the first episode.) I think Jon and his freaky curly hair is actually kinda cute, but hate him because he acts like an over-sexed frat boy... at 29. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
10:37 pm	(In Hammersmith Palais) Fucking fuckers. I had a long journal entry written up, but my fucking connection went to shit and I got an error page instead of having it posted. And lost everything I'd written, of course. I hate that shit. Oh well. Summary: played Septerra Core, bought book at Friends Bookstore, arm hurts, been slacking off updating my rec page, favorite fic lately was Kellie Matthews' "Somewhere Else To Be." That's about it, really. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 13th, 2003
6:04 pm	Once Upon a Time In Mexico So I saw this just now, and okay, it's not the next Citizen Kane, but I liked it quite a lot. (SPOILERS AHOY!) Johnny Depp stole the movie again--he was funny, gorgeous, and *perfect* as the psycho CIA agent. Things I liked: Sands and his fake arm. Sand and the kid working together after Sand was blinded. Sands threatening the informer. Essentially, everything Sands says. Depp was, I repeat, excellent. And his outfits were brilliant. (i.e. the shirt that says "CIA.") I also thought the stunt where Mariachi and his wife are chained together and they escape down the side of a building was kinda neat. And there were all these bizarre little touches that absolutely cracked me up: the Remote-Controlled Guitar Bomb of Doom, the way the on-the-run American fugitive hides the dog behind his back, "Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?" There were a lot of absolutely beautiful shots--I love the warm Mexican sunlight. And I also loved the black humor that ran throughout the movie. Apparently I was the only one, though--the theatre I was in didn't seem overly appreciative. The reviews in general haven't been great, but I really liked the movie, despite the over the top violence and occasional incoherence. Agent Sands: [About the food] It is so good, that when I'm finished with it, I'll pay my check, walk straight into the kitchen and shoot the cook. Because that's what I do, I restore the balance to this country. El Mariachi: You want me to shoot the cook? Agent Sands: No, I'll shoot the cook. My car's parked out back anyway. Thank God, I missed the part where Agent Sands' eyes are gouged out--by some lucky coincidence, that happened right when I ran to the bathroom. I probably never would have recovered--I'm phobic about eyes being touched, much less being GOUGED OUT. God. I'd also like to point out that Rotten Tomatoes currently is quoting Hollywood Report Card's review of Bend It Like Beckham in their Once Upon a Time In Mexico section, for some odd reason. The result is a quote that says: "It's a warm fun movie with a good sense of humor." BWAHAHAHA. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2003
5:53 pm	Ethan of Athos My life's remarkably boring, as of late. I've settled into this new routine well--lazing about for most of the week, volunteering on Tuesdays and Thursdays, guitar lessons on Thursdays as well, and that's about it. Let's see--I re-read Bujold's Ethan of Athos the other day. Enjoyed it quite a bit. I remember that one of these slashy novels recs pages someone was insulting Bujold, rather unfairly, I thought, because of Vorrutyer's unpleasant tendancies. But if there's any question that Bujold had some sort of latent homophobia in her writing, I think Ethan pretty much answers it--in the negative. I mean, Ethan leaves home and she could easily have had him discover the Joys of Women and disown the Planet of Homosexuality out there in the Wide World, but instead he just goes home with a new boyfriend. I really like Ethan, despite him being something of a milksop--he's really just another variation on the archetypical hayseed of literature: a total innocent (at least at first) coming from the Small Town to the Big City. I'm surprised it's not recommended more often--I think the slashiness is pretty clear. Ethan's sexual attraction to Terrance, his ambiguous answer to Ethan's question, etc. I mean, "I just might" is not the most ringing endorsement of homosexuality I've ever heard, but it seems pretty clear they do hook up. The plot is lovely, of course--Bujold is always great at action adventure. But I do wish she'd given us just a little more information about Athos. It's an intriguing notion. I can't help but wonder how sexual politics would function in a place where everyone is male. Apparently, marriage has been reduced to something solely concerning childbearing, and since the place seems to be vaguely socialistic, I'm guesisng individual property isn't that much of a concern. But I do wonder just how monogamy and polygamy would be viewed--things like that. What about people who don't want children? I think Bujold made the place a little too simplistic in her desire to create a civilization where the situation arises, but that's her perogative. I think it would be fascinating to flesh it out, however. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 8th, 2003
11:17 pm	My Beautiful Laundrette Watched the above movie today. First (very shallow) thoughts: Daniel Day Lewis (as Johnny) has an absolutely gorgeous face. Or at least he did, back in 1985. Not keen on the hair in this movie, but those cheekbones! Those eyes! Oh my goodness. The (sort-of) sex scene was also very hot and I always like a nice forceful m/m kiss and we got more than one of those. The other lead was quite nice looking but it was DDL who drew my attention. He was perfect as this vaguely Johnny Rotten-ish working-class character. Loved him. The actual movie was a little... abstract for my taste. I enjoyed it, and thought it was interesting, but I found it difficult to like the characters. Omar struck me as a bit of a jerk, and I never felt I really knew anyone on screen. I think I would've liked him better if I'd had more of a feel for the character, but the script didn't really lend itself to that. Things I did like: Omar's bitter alcoholic father with his morbid sense of humor, and the intimacy between Omar and Johnny. For example when Omar is taling about his mother and Johnny touches him gently, and then later at the end of the movie, after Johnny gets beaten up, and jerks away, saying "Don't touch me!" but Omar comes up to him and just touches him on the shoulders and stands behind him. It's lovely. Oh, and there's this bit where J & O are on the street and J's former gang is slouching around. Omar comes out and gives Johnny a fairly hearty masculine hug, but J licks him on the neck out of view of the rest of the world. I thought that was a wonderful touch. So to speak. In other news, I mostly ran errands today. Sister to school, rental house to let in appraisor, sister back from school and then to horses. Not very exciting, I'm afraid. Finally got ahold of Pam Rose's "Professional Dreamers" and it was quite brilliant, though perhaps a bit of a let down just because I'd seen it so hyped and it sounded like such a cool story. And it was, don't get me wrong. I'm vaguely annoyed the Pros fandom and their zine habit. I don't have the cash or the desire to buy 'zines and I don't particularly want evidence of my dirty habits lying around the house. Heh. Guess I'll have to wait til I'm all grown up, but I would like to read some of those stories. Damn. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 7th, 2003
10:31 pm	Sleep is good. It's only 10:30, but I feel exhausted for some reason. I woke up at 11:30 AM! There's no reason for me to be feeling this way, and yet I do. Ah well--I have to wake up early tomorrow anyways. Mum's working and needs me to ferry around the sister. Also wants me to go to the rental house to let in the appraisor--feh. I hope he won't want to chat. Someone on the Pros-Lit list was kind enough to send me Professional Dreamer, so I'm looking forward to reading it tomorrow. What is with the Professionals and long, wordy stories? I like it, but am having some slight longings for the sparse style of someone like Te. I've been reading Alan Moore's "Top Ten" and enjoying it an awful lot. Very good fun. There's this visual joke in one of the episodes--the characters are at a 'Godz' bar, and there's all this graffiti in the back, with all these jokes. "Oedipus is a mother f(blotted out)er," "Hephaestus is totally LAME," "One god, sun god, Ra Ra Ra!", "Nice melons Kali baby," and lastly "I SUCK-Call Charybdis (phone number.) Cracked me up. I'm such a geek. There's one I don't get, though. It says "Don't calliope on your shoes." The heck? I know Calliope was the Greek muse of epic poetry, but I'm not getting it. Some sort of pun, perhaps? Maybe it will come to me in time. (Comment on this)
12:21 am	Self Esteem Update on activities: took sister to horseriding lessons, played Nox, read slash, played Nox, read slash, played Nox, read slash, ate dinner, read slash, made oatmeal cookies, read slash, posted to livejournal. I think I have a new obsession, kids. It rained today, at last. Thank God--the heat was getting stifling. It made the air hard to breathe, somehow. When the weather finally breaks after days of heat, it's so goddamn welcome. I'm so glad I don't live in Arizona or something. Recieved "My Beautiful Launderette" from Netflix, and will watch tomorrow. Hopefully they didn't actually leave out the love scene, like one of the Netflix reviews said. I'm going to be writing a rant if this ist rue... it's supposed to be really nice. But hey, I am interested in the plot as well. I mean it. I am. Not much else to say, except I was thinking about Nexus. Not good thoughts. Decided against making a newbie and returning briefly to visit with friends. Leaving that topic before breakdown occurs. My last comments: I was reading this random girl's journal--some poor sod of the teenage girl variety. She was talking about how much she hates life, and how her boyfriend kept telling her she was fat and how unhappy this made her. That just boggles my mind. I don't exactly have the highest self esteem in the world, but I would never, ever, ever stay with a guy who said that kind of shit. He would be dropped so fuckin' fast it would cause a sonic boom. That's just not acceptable. Breaks me heart, but what can you do? (Comment on this)
Friday, September 5th, 2003
11:05 pm	Bad Brains Yes indeedy, I've got Bad Brains on my, uh, brain. I can't get "Banned in D.C." out of my head ever since I listened to it this afternoon. Damn. Discovered a minor new fandom for me. I'm going to run out eventually, but until then, I'll make the most of it. It's called (approximately) Weiss Kreuz, and I know that's not spelled right but anyways, it's about these assassins. Who are florists in their day jobs. Yes, they arrange flowers. And kill people. What is there not to like, I ask you? At any rate, reading all this anime fic prompted me to think about the differences between slash and yaoi--or between American media-based fandom and Japanese anime fandom, if you prefer. Yaoi fandom, in general, seems to have a far lower amount of serious, quality fic. Un-beta'd fic is not unusual, and the result is stuff that desperately needs editing--mistakes could be so easily corrected with someone, anyone looking the story over. There's also a lot of WIP's, which can practically get you lynched in slash. The whole fandom seems to be a lot younger, and of course it's full of pseudo-Japanese, nausea-inducing emoticons, and... perkiness. God, the stereotypical anime fangirl is the most annoying kind of human being I have ever encountered in my short life. And if I never read/hear the word 'glomp' again, I will be such a very happy person. There's an awful lot of shitty sex (not literally, thank God)and crappy characterization out there, and it drives me bonkers. Slash is far better for my blood pressure, in general. Of course there's also a lot of crap out there in the big slashy fandoms as well--Sturgeon's Law still applies, God knows. But overall, the amount of serious, stylisticly beautiful stuff seems to be mostly in the live-action television fandoms. That said, there is some absolute gems in the anime fandoms, and not just in the the stories of the few slash writers who have crossed over (i.e. Sleeps With Coyotes, Torch.) I've been storing them up to recommend on my recs page. Another thing I find interesting is the insistence on the seme/uke dividing line. I've seldom seen these kind of roles defined so rigidly in slash. It's usually a reciprocal thing, if they get around to penetration at all. But the seme/uke hierarchal thing seems to be integral to traditional professional Japanese yaoi, and it carries over into the fandoms. It bothers me, especially when the uke is feminized so completely. What's the point? Yeah, feminization of men in slash is an old rant, but I've never seen it done so blatantly as it is done in yaoi. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
6:16 pm	Boring few days. Guitar lesson today; teacher taught me a few songs and a little about scales. Sometimes I get confused with theory-type stuff because guitar theory is like looking at the flute-related theory I was taught originally like, upside down and sideways. They're very different instruments. All the basic stuff is the same, of course, but it's approached so differently. Also did volunteering at the library. Cleaned nasty old keyboards and made them bright shiny new. As I am anal compulsive about things being clean, enjoyed it to an unhealthy degree. Currently in a very happy mood since we're getting Thai take out from my favorite restaurant. Been engrossed in Steven Pinker's How the Mind Works and getting started on updating slash recs, but not having much success with that. It's still boiling hot, but simultaneously depressingly grey a great deal of the time. It sucks. Spring semester is still 25 days away. I never thought I'd want school to start this bad again. We should start earlier and get longer winter and spring breaks, that's what I say. Suddenly occurred to me last night while I was rolling my eyes about some tedious romance on a TV show that maybe the reason slash fascinates me so much is because it subverts these boring, predictable relationships that occur every single time you watch television or movies (or read a book.) If a guy and a girl are reasonably attractive and get along--or don't get along, for that matter, they will end up together by the end. Always. Having seen more of this kind of thing than I want to remember in my short life time, the appeal of two guys getting together, in the face of the world and against the almost immutable rules of modern American storytelling, is very obvious. And maybe that's why I am fascinated by books and movies that aren't overtly slashy but depict gay relationships. They are new and fresh, even when they follow the same pattern as het relationships. The filmmaker or author has proven to me that s/he has some modicum of imagination, simply by being capable of concieving of relationships outside the traditional heterosexual mold. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
2:04 pm	Maurice I finished E.M. Forster's Maurice last night and am of two minds about it. Forster remarks in his 'Terminal Note' that his novel seems dated in modern times, and it certainly does--even more than it did when Forster was writing the note, surely. It was written in 1913, and it's more than a little mindboggling to think that Forster died in 1970. He lived through two World Wars. He saw England change into something so completely foreign to what it used to be--so different that it must have been almost unrecognizable by the time he died. He saw the end of the tradition of domestic servants, the end of the gentile country manors and the upper class of leisurely gentlemen out shooting pheasants in their spare time. And he was in his late 20's/early 30's by the time he wrote Maurice! Amazing to think about. Maurice itself seems a very patchy affair. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing or not, but none of the characters were particularly likeable. Clive was an condescending ass, Maurice was stupid and occasionally unkind, and Alec was of little interest. I suspect the movie would be far more enjoyable because it can disguise this from the reader. My judgements on these characters are not really fair, either--I think the antiquated style prevents me from seeing them clearly, to a certain degree. The movie must be filtered through modern viewpoints and I suspect it would be of help in presenting these characters the way Forster really meant them to be seen. I must find it soon. There were occasional bursts of some nice prose. Perhaps among those who took to the greenwood in old time there had been two men like himself--two. At times he entertained the dream. Two men can defy the world. There's also misogyny, class prejudice, and other very unPC thoughts that are difficult to escape in books written in other times. One last issue--the author mentions, even in his 'Terminal Note,' the whole "this relationship won't last past 6 weeks" debate that I've seen in reviews of the film. Apparently it goes waaay back. I think it's a valid point, but am prepared to be forgiving in the face of romantic ideals, myself. Other's opinions vary, clearly. All in all, I'm glad I read the book. It's far from perfect, but the gay relationships are presented in a remarkably sympathetic way considering the time the author was born and lived in. The author mentions that the reason for the posthumous clause was that the novel ends happily; had it ended in suicide or pain, it would have been acceptable, "But the lovers get away unpunished and consequently recommend crime." Very sad. I will end with the last few lines of the 'Terminal Note' included with the book: We had not realized that what the public really loathes in homosexuality is not the thing itself but having to think about it. If it could be slipped into our midst unnoticed ... there would be few protests... Consequently the Wolfenden recommendations will be indefinitely rejected, police prosecutions will continue, and Clive on the bench will continue to sentence Alec in the dock. Maurice may get off. And on that disquieting note, which shows more true understanding than the entire novel does, I think, the book ends. I wonder what Forster would have thought of modern culture, with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and our Will and Grace's with their celibate gay men. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 1st, 2003
9:47 pm	Ennui Today and yesterday have been rather slow. Mary came over last night and we had brownies. That was about the highlight of my day, really. Today wasn't much more interesting. It's fun to be lazy, it's true, and I can certainly amuse myself just fine, but I'm starting to get really, really bored. At least I'm working tomorrow at the Friend's bookstore, so I've got something to do. Played Nox quite a bit today. It's surprisingly good fun, rather like Diablo II. Slacked off on the guitar again. Damn. Signed up for 'DuckPreviews'--this thing at the U of Oregon in November. Should be interesting to see if I want to go there or not. Read some more slash. Stand out story was Speranza's "Eight Sessions." Most impressive. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
10:05 pm	Chasing Amy So I decided to watch Kevin Smith's Chasing Amy tonight. Just finished about 20 minutes ago. Huh. Wow. I'm not sure what to say. On one hand, the movie deals with sexuality in a remarkably mature and intelligent way. On the other hand, Joey Lauren Adams voice makes me want to kill myself, and Banky so shoulda ended up with Holden. I've gotta say--I love Kevin Smith. I think the man is, to a certain degree, a generational thing. He speaks to my generation... the college kids. And I think he also speaks to me. Frankly, I think he's a genius. I mean, he's never gonna make the next Citizen Kane, obviously, but I definitely fall in the "love" category of the "you either love him or hate him" comments people often make. I also think he's hilarious--I was laughing so hard during the beginning of the movie I also choked. And the "ALL THE REST ARE FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION!" thing cracked me up. I think the older generation tends to take his stuff too seriously. The over-the-top cursing? It's a not-terribly-exaggerated parody of the way my friends and I talk. I also, I guess, feel a lot of kinship with him. Dogma is the religious movie I'd like to make. Chasing Amy is a romantic comedy I could have made. I understand the way he thinks, because I think that way too. Honestly, I don't really get the Banky/Holden dynamic. The slasher in me wants them to get together, but I definetly don't see it happening in the movie, unfortunately. I honestly think I'd like it a lot more that way. I think it's pretty obvious that Banky is, at least, bisexual... it seems like Holden is too. The significance of the final scene(s) escapes me. Did Banky and Holden stop being friends and now--through hand signals--they somehow forgave each other? Are they friends again? That part was what made me saddest about the movie--not Holden and Alyssa breaking up, because I didn't particularly like her, frankly, but Banky and Holden's friendship ending. They were friends and partners for a hella long time, and it seems incredibly sad that that seems to have ended. Or is that what I'm supposed to get out of the scene? DID it end? I love close friendships between men--they seem so much rarer and precious then boring old love. That was what bugged me about the movie. Banky and Holden's relationship was left so unexplored--it seemed like a bit of a cop out to me. I get that Holden and Banky had "moved on" from their more immature, bachelor (and presumably homophobic) state(s), but what exactly happened after that night? Gah. (Comment on this)